What people don't understand.

So I almost lost it today, well almost might not be the right word. As I've said before, I have been trying to get my father to renew the title to his car so that he can get rid of it (conflict of interest note - I do need a new car). I had asked my daughter to go with him to the DMV, and initially she said yes. Now she says that she can't, and doesn't want to sit around the DMV all day anyway.

I don't want my daughter to do things out of guilt, so I won't push her. What really gets me is that sometimes (today was one of those times) I feel that I am sitting here watching my parents die, and no one else seems to notice. My wife has been fantastic. My ex has also been great. Sometimes I wish that others were as sympathetic.

Instead people ask perfunctorily how my parents are doing. Rarely am I asked how I am doing. D says that I put up a strong front, so people assume I must be doing well. I don't know how to do things differently. I have my job - full time HS teacher; my parents; supporting my wife, who published her first novel this past fall and who has her own health issues; and other responsibilities. If I don't keep a "strong front" and keep on going things will fall apart. If I do keep going will I fall apart. D says that she expects this to happen. I not sure that she is wrong.

So I go along trying to manage everything. Usually this works. Doctors get called, bills get paid, financial issues are dealt with (if sometimes a little late). When it falls apart I get frustrated, and angry. I look around and there is no support. I feel that I almost HAVE to be superman because I can't see how things are going to happen if I'm not.

It's not realistic - I know. I can't do everything, and there are people who help me. People who love my parents and will do almost anything for them. I venting tonight. But isn't that what a blog is for?

Lost at the drug store.

Tonight's adventure - I got a phone call from my parent's aide. Dad was at the ATM in the drug store and could not remember his PIN number. When he got back to the house he thought he lost his ATM card, and at least two other credit cards.

When my daughter and ex got to his house they found his ATM card and the credit cards he thought he had lost in his wallet, she knew his PIN and also found that there was another credit card that WAS missing.

It really feels like my dad is losing more of himself every day. Every time I talk to him or see him there is something else. As I said before, the stress of mom's stroke has accelerated his memory issues. Of course, the clinics and doctors in NY that specialize in Geriatrics and Alzheimer's have packed schedules and the first appointment I can get is the end of May. So now, instead of having until the summer to get paper work together I feel that I have to rush to the lawyer to take of the things that my parents didn't take care of. So tomorrow I call the lawyer and make an appointment for asap to deal with this.

On a good note

Mom's therapy seems to be helping a bit. Last Friday they had her in some sort of contraption that lifted her from a sitting position to a supported standing position and helped her move her legs to walk. Today they worked with her on standing. This is the first time since July that she has stood up! So even with the looooooong delay there is definitely improvement.

Last week she was frustrated with her OT. She was finding it difficult to carry out what she said should have been a simple task. They gave her two stacks of play money and asked her to match the numbers. She couldn't do it. I explained to her how her brain had to remake connections and that she was retraining her brain, regrowing dendrite connections.

So how am I doing?

Last night I found it hard to sleep. I had to file paper work to get my mom into a trust that will make her Medicaid eligible. I have had to take on more aspects of their lives. Now I have to sit with my Dad to pay his bills. I have to worry about whether he can go out and take care of himself. I have to call his doctors to make sure that I know what they talk about and if there are any problems. I have to make the appointments. My father is so focused on my mom that he loses sight of his own issues.

How am I? I teach full time. I spend time supporting my wife's trying to publicize her book. I try to be active in my union (I am a delegate to our local assembly) and other involved with other issues. So I come home and I am so mentally exhausted that all I can do phase out in front of the boob tube. I try to find my way through this maze of problems. I know that I am not the first, and I am lucky enough to have the support of my wife, my ex and my daughters, so I really don't want to be a whiner. I just keep going forward because if I stop I don't if I can get started agian.

How do you get a 79 year old man to move? No really. How do you?

After several years of urging by the family Dad finally agreed to get rid of his car about 3 months ago. The hitch - He just finished paying off the car loan (yes someone gave a 73 year a loan to buy a car). So before he can get rid of the car he has to go to the DMV to get a new title.

Now here is Dad's usual schedule - Fall asleep on the couch at round 9pm, wake up at 11pm read the Times, go through the mail, read some more. Fall asleep on the couch again at around 1am. Wake up at around 3am get ready for bed, make a drink and go to bed around 5am. Wake up for the day around 9 or 10am. Take about 2 hour to get ready for the day.

I don't begrudge Dad this life. He worked hard until age 62. He commuted from NYC 45 miles to Deer Park LI every day. He has earned the right to sleep on whatever schedule he wants. But I know that he CAN alter this schedule. He does on the days that Mom has therapy. The problem is that he really almost has to be forced to do this.

So today was supposed to be the day that he went to the DMV. Did I mention that I am supposed to be getting his car and have put off maintenance on my car? So I called him at noon to check and make sure that he was going. OK he said. No problem. When I get to their house around 4pm He's not home. Great! But no, he didn't leave until 3:50. DMV closes at 4, wonderful. It turns out that He didn't even go, he just went shopping.

So how do you get a 79 year old man to move? How do you get him to make the connection in his heart to what he has admitted in his mind. That He is not going to use his car. That the $600/month he is spending for insurance and a garage space could be put to better use. Really how?

How do I deal with this?

Hi! So I am not a writer, or even someone who has had success at writing a journal. However, I need some where to share what is happening in my life and maybe this will work.

About me

I am 49 years old and a teacher in NYC. I am married, and I have raised 2 daughters and have 3 other adult young women who are surrogate daughters to my wife and me. I have always been politically active (on the left). Dealing with my parents has become almost a full time job.

My parents

My parents are 79 (dad) and 75 (mom). 14 months ago my mom had a stoke. I can't say that was surprised by this. She was a smoker for over 40 years and fought her weight through out her life. She also HATED going to the doctor, especially when she didn't feel well. As a result of her stroke and the medical care (or lack there of) that she received, she is now totally dependent on a 24 hour aide. She cannot eat and is paralyzed on her left side. My dad had already had some memory issues - repeating stories, forgetting small things. The stress of the past year has accelerated this. Now his lapses are bigger, and his confidence is shrinking. I know that he is fighting to keep control of his life, and the more help he needs the more he feels like he is losing this fight.

Where are we?

So where does that leave me? I am now go to person #1. I am on call 24/7. I have 3 things that have helped me keep my sanity (so far). First and foremost, my wife has been fantastic. She has helped, supported and given me a place to lean on and a shoulder to cry on. Her biggest frustration is that there is only so much that she can do. Second, I am lucky enough to have a fantastic relationship with my ex-wife. she lives much closer to my parents and has been a wonderful help, being there when I could not. Finally we have been lucky enough to hire aides who have worked well with my parents.

So I am navigating the system we have in place for elderly when their health fails. This is a system that works great if you are rich (my parents are not), so-so if you are poor, and not at all if you are middle class.